


In between

by Cirkne



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, my writing style changed in the middle of this fic i hope it's not too noticeable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 12:01:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2772257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirkne/pseuds/Cirkne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year later Tsukishima will admit them breaking up was for the best but this is not a year later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In between

**Author's Note:**

> Me: doesn't write anything decent for like two months  
> Me: comes back with angst
> 
> I made my beautiful wife [Whimsi](http://shishihuntsthebooty.tumblr.com/) beta this for me bc I'm selfish and I'm supposed to be Yamaguchi in this relationship I'm sorry I failed
> 
>  
> 
> [Here on tumblr](http://tadaffodil.tumblr.com/post/105196199137/1-1k-words-warnings-none-really-pairings)

They break up too fast

(“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know this is me being heartless but I can’t do it if- I’m sorry, Kei, I’m sorry, I hope you understand.”)

(For awhile, he doesn’t.)

It doesn’t make sense for months. He thinks Yamaguchi would have been better if they were still together, he thinks he could’ve helped. It takes weeks to finally understand that this is what Yamaguchi needs. Has always needed. That he is not the cure and could never be the cure because if Yamaguchi is more broken, Kei’s the one that can’t get fixed. Doesn’t try to get fixed, hides the parts he needs. And Yamaguchi is moving forward, putting the pieces back one at a time; emptying his pockets, throwing out things that are cutting his hands, things that are making him bleed. Kei is just one of them.

(“Why?”

"I’m just not strong enough."

"Or do you think I’m not strong enough?"

"No, I think- I don’t think anything, I need this.")

(It’s a lie.)

Yamaguchi thinks Kei is selfish. And he’s right. Kei has demanded too many pieces, ended too many conversations, assumed too many things. He’s still doing it, calling and asking Yamaguchi to take him back because he needs him. After awhile, his calls stop being answered. Sometimes the phone rings so loud, Kei thinks he can hear it, even if they live two streets away from each other.

Yamaguchi’s hands are always red; he never wears gloves, doesn't like how they feel, says he prefers winter air to the fabric, says being cold is better. Three weeks after they break up, his hands are no longer red and he’s not blowing air on them all through the first lesson. It’s one of the things he gets back, or throws out, Kei’s not sure but it makes him realize, slowly, that Yamaguchi is changing.

(“You’re quitting volleyball?”

"Not quitting, just stopping. Until this is over."

"But you’re getting so good.")

(Yamaguchi only laughs honestly when he’s around people he loves. His laugh is fake this time and Kei stays quiet.)

The Shimada market is too far away from his home to make it seem like he’s there for no reason but Shimada never throws him out, never asks. He tells him Yamaguchi no longer comes there, says he’s proud for what the boy is doing. Kei stops visiting the shop because he doesn’t know how to feel happy for Yamaguchi and it’s awful.

His brother taught him that you won’t get hurt if you don’t care. He wants to care, wants to hurt because he should but there’s a wall standing between him and honest emotions. Only Yamaguchi was able to climb up the wall but even he couldn’t tear it down. That’s for Kei to do but his arms aren’t strong enough.

(“Do you think the moon fell in love with the sun first? Or was it the opposite?”

"I think the moon loves the stars, not the sun.")

(That was him confessing, months before the first real ‘I love you’. He wonders what would have happened if he had made it more clear then. Maybe this would be different, maybe the breakup wouldn’t have happened.)

He thinks he had so many chances to talk about how he felt, the nights Yamaguchi stayed over, or on their way to school, when mornings would be too cold for actual conversations but just right for first confessions. He tried, once, when they were both laying on his bed, Yamaguchi with a book in his hands and Kei looking through his phone to find music to play. It had been a Sunday and Kei remembers because they woke up together that morning, brushed their teeth side by side and eaten breakfast still half asleep.

He had started to say how thankful he is that Yamaguchi is still his friend even after all the shit he’s done when the boy jumped up and said he has to go home.

(“Sorry, Tsukki.”

"You’re using that nickname again?"

"I can stop if you don’t like it."

"No, I don’t mind.")

(He does.)

He feels like they’re back in the place when his feelings were hidden behind unfinished sentences and moving away as soon as they touched. He starts deleting the texts he wants to send again. Deletes and types in the same words over and over until he finally falls asleep. He’s afraid that if he keeps chasing, Yamaguchi will never stop running.

(“Ennoshita, wait up!”)

(Yamaguchi runs past him.)

He’s jealous, he’s so jealous and he knows it’s bad. He knows because they’ve talked about it and he knows Yamaguchi doesn’t belong to him. Never belonged to him but it’s so hard because it feels like the only good thing is slipping through his fingers and snowflakes are melting on his gloves and Yamaguchi is moving on.

He no longer sees Yamaguchi on his way to school and it feels like he should start moving on. Instead, he falls deeper and morning air starts hurting.

(“Was loving me a mistake?”

"Of course not, why would you-"

"It doesn’t matter, I have to go."

"Tsukki, wait!")

(He runs.)

Kei calls his brother at three in the morning and Akiteru picks up almost immediately. They talk and Kei cries and he says he misses Akiteru so much he sometimes pretends he never went to that match because believing a lie is better than being hurt by his brother.

It’s getting better, it is but Kei still keeps his honest feelings to himself and talking to Akiteru still feels wrong somehow. The words that they’re not saying wrap around his throat and make it hard to breathe. He listens to his music so he wouldn’t have to listen to the silence between them.

(“You’re back?”

"I think I’m ready for this."

"And for us?"

"I’m sorry")

(He skips practice that day.)

It feels like screaming with no sound and sobbing until it gets hard to breathe. It feels like his skin is tearing apart. It hurts. It’s supposed to hurt. He goes over to Akiteru’s.

Their conversations are a blur of bitter coffee and mean remarks and crying and-

They’re working on it. They promise not to lie anymore but trusting someone is still hard and sometimes Kei forgets they’re trying or Akiteru yells but it doesn’t feel like they’re back where they were a few months ago. It feels like they’re holding each other up again.

Yamaguchi moves his appointments to Saturdays and they start walking home together again. Sometimes they stay quiet for the whole walk home, other times they talk. They start building up what they had again and now it’s better, easier. Yamaguchi talks louder and laughs as if he’s truly happy. Kei starts opening up. Things change, it no longer seems like they can only be themselves around each other, they no longer go quiet in the middle of talking because they don’t know what might be a trigger warning.

(“My psychiatrist says I talk about you too much.”

"Oh?"

"She’s right, Tsukki, I do.")

(They start dating again.)


End file.
